Millers list

Miller's list Reflection

I believe Miller's list for relationships are all needed for a relationship to work. Miller lists a healthy relationship consists of knowledge, interdependence, caring, mutuality, commitment, and trust. I think if any of these characteristics were missing, the relationship will not work out well. There will not be and intimacy unless one has shut down on their life. Though some characteristics that could be combined with his list to have a more powerful relationship. I think it is important for a healthy relationship to have not only trust but honesty too. Partners need to show patience, loyalty, and fun.

From experience, I know if any of these characteristics were missing, a relationship does not work out well. My relationship has the benefits of knowledge between us. We are very much alike, we know what our favorite food, restaurants, drinks, activities, movies, etc. We have been together for about four years now so we have had the time to learn about one another. We also have the same birthday!

We have a two/three year old son together. Deep down we know we care about each other and we have a son together to care for. If we did not care about each other, I highly doubt we would not have had a child together or have a four year relationship. Without caring, we would be failure parents. Though we need to work on our communication and understanding each other. We need to work on what we say about each other when we get angry.

We use to have the interdependence, so I think. But this is a part where our relationship is really rocky. My boyfriend has a problem with understanding this: "What happens to me affects you and what happens to you affect me." As a teenager and a young adult, he still has the urge to run around and do as he pleases. All of a sudden he became a smoker, gambler, and drinker throughout the last two years. The interdependence is what has been hurting me, because I cannot stand the smell of smoke: it's different when my family may do it but I am not having them come home to me each and every day where I would be smelling it. I also have health issues that do not need to be worse. As well as our son, I do not need him to develop the same problems I have because I grew up with people who smoke. His gambling: he has done nothing to help support his family. It hurts having to do everything on my own because he is to busy blowing off his money. Lately, it seems like he is drinking every time I come around him. It causes him to start arguments with me and he gets mad when I do not talk to him. He does not have the stability to have a conversation with, let along putting our son in his care when I need to go to work. It sucks because I have this strong quality. For the last 3 years I have been trying to hold our relationship together because I want to be a family. I have been looking for a home for us for the last year now. With his job I would need to consider the distance from his work. I have just recently given up. (See our relationship falling apart).

Mutuality has been a strength of mine to. I have always tried to be the one to plan those days going out as a family. He always has some excuse or has already taken off to do "his" thing. After having a child for me, I know there is no "me" anymore I have a son to put first. I have made all plans about "us" as a family. But, how is he to be a part of that if he is not around.

Trust and Commitment: In trust, it also needs honesty. He tends to have such a low self esteem and because I am his first girlfriend and I have had the experience of dating others, he tends to accuse me of cheating. I do not understand why he does not trust me because I have been committed to him for the last four years  and we have a child together. Our communication also makes this difficult to figure out why because we argue and fight. All I have ever wanted was a committed relationship. I have told him all about my past because I believe trust and honesty is the most important in a relationship. For four months before we started dating, that entire time he had asked me to go out with him. I told him I was not ready for a serious relationship. He was upset because I was dating other guys but always assured him those did not feel serious or have the commitment. At that time to me, as a teenage girl, I just wanted a boyfriend. I had friends who wanted a relationship with me and gave them reasons why it would not work. They always told me let's try. To me, nothing hurts trying something. It was an experience and I was searching for my interests in those relationships. I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend (now) and once I felt ready, I told him we could give it a try. I gave it the best timing too, because it was opening deer hunting season! He's a hunter, therefore what could be better than going out hunting (his favorite hobby) and getting the girl of his dreams (as he would always call me then). The nicknames began to fade away. He is a young dad and I understand it takes time as well. But after three years, I believe there is no reason to be wining anymore when it comes to taking care of your own child. For crying out loud, he refuses to change his diaper and I am working on potty training. As he will not help me with it. I have lost my trust with him overtime. I feel he has not be honest with me for the last two years because I have caught him in  many lies, and a lot of the same ones over and over again. After a while, it has been fading as well. Lies get old.

In overall theory, without all of the characteristics/traits, I cannot see a relationship work out. The intimacy gets pulled away because of the low feelings between each other. For example, I do not want to sleep in the same bed as him because how angry I am with him. Even though I want a relationship so badly with him because I love him, sometimes it is not worth staying for and worth the heartache. He makes me feel like I am responsible for everything, I should not have to support him like a child. I cannot stand coming home to someone who smells like smoke and deal with the health issues. Obviously, there are issues that need to be worked on in order to continue this relationship. But as of right now I have put it on hold.

Jazi Hanson