Four common categories of events that instigate conflict are criticism, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, and cumulative annoyances (Gottman). In my relationship, I can relate to two of these: rebuffs and cumulative annoyances. These have hurt my relationship and is making it fall apart. For the last three years with our child I have asked for very little help to pay for his needs and he rebuffs: defined as rejecting one's appeals for help or support are rejected. It happens very often and it just makes it more difficult for me. Were suppose to be a family and I cannot seem to get his support for anything.
The other conflict we have is cumulative annoyances: defined as relative trivial events that become irritating with repetition. This is difficult in my relationship because he is constantly running out the door as soon as he gets home from work, he is gone all weekend long, or he is glued to the television. We do not go out hardly ever. Spending time as a family and going out with family often is a high standard for me. For two years now he has had gambling, smoking, and drinking habits. This is very irritating because I do not want to be with someone with these nasty habits. It is difficult to walk away because I have a child with him. I do not want my boy to have separate parents, and I know I still love him. I want to be with him. I want to be with the guy I met in the beginning. It is very irritating. On my behalf I am sure he is irritated with me because I am constantly nagging about his habits. I cannot image my life without my family.
From this, what type of couple is my relationship conflict? After learning about Gottman's conflicts: Volatiles, Validators, Avoiders, and Hostiles, I feel I have more of a hostile relationship. I do feel there is more nastiness in our relationship than there is niceness. We tend to name call and I have been working on that. We argue all the time, every week, or just about every day it seems like. I guess I could say neither of us listen to each other because were always trying to defend ourselves. Its a struggle because majority of the time I do have back up from our arguments. I hate how our relationship is so negative, I tend to be the one to put back "get detached and not involved". I feel like I have so much stress on myself as it is, I try to avoid the situations that will reduce stress. All of our arguments seem to just be let go and grudged on throughout the week until it is something different the next week.
When learning about the theories of love from different people, it is interesting to see where my relationship plays out. For example, Lee's and Sternberg's inventories gives me great results of my relationship. Whereas Gotmann theory of signs of divorce, my relationship shows those signs. Even though I am not married that is where we are trying to work towards and right now with these signs it looks like a marriage would not last long. I am very determined to make my relationship work or keep to myself because I do not believe it would be fair for my child to be in the middle of an unhealthy relationship nor would I want him to call someone else mom or dad (step-parents). It is just not my style.
Somethings I would like to work on is using the "I-Statements". At least I know I could feel better about myself and reacting in angry situations and fights. I need to make healthier choices. I also need to work on thinking about the present and quit bringing up the past as often as I do. In this case "I need to focus my anger only on specific issues".
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