Blog Audit: Expansion 2

Chapman’s five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. My love language is quality time. I believe my boyfriend’s love language would be physical touch. To test this, I had him take the test as well and got his opinion on what he thinks about his results. His results were shocking for me but he did not really give me much of an explanation. He felt his scores aligned with what he would think his love language is. His highest score was Quality time 10, and Words of Affirmation 7. Our words of Affirmation was off by 1 point!

Quality time: Quality time is the most important to me of the five languages because I believe you cannot have a relationship without quality time. I believe the more quality time together, the stronger the relationship. With no quality time there is no meaning to a relationship. Quality time allows you to get to know your partner. If I do not have quality time in a relationship I would feel like I am sleeping by a stranger. Now that my relationship became a family, quality time is very important for our child as well. Quality time allows our child to get to know both the parents and allows the child to feel secure and loved. Quality time helps builds the healthy relationships in the family!

Some of the things that we have done often for quality time are going to Treasure Island to bowl, we go to country jam, and we enjoy going to sports events like the Timberwolves basketball games or the Twins games. These are events we go to with Jordan’s parents and brother usually. I am happy about this quality time but I feel like there is not enough if any quality time actually set for ourselves. I irritated that Jordan, Drake, and I do not go out to do stuff together just the three of us. This is something I would like to plan and we are both committed to one day out of the week or even three times a month, we would go out and do something. I would also like to be committed to having a date night once a month at least for Jordan and me. This would give us that time spend time together and talk over issues we may have, talk about what we want to do in the future, how we want to carry on our relationship, etc. We have a lot of things we do need to go over to make our relationship better. I want a healthy relationship.

Words of Affirmation: I believe every partner in every relationship should be complimented. Compliments helps the partner feel supported, loved, and wanted. It keeps the positive energy in the family and in the relationship. I feel everyone needs encouragement. I know I do. It helps me start my day and helps me sleep when I get those phone calls or text messages saying “Good Morning” or “Good Night” (with more details obviously). For all the times I felt like giving up because I was so stressed out, I never did because I had a family to encourage me in my work. Every day, every night, just about I go to work and go to school along with taking care of my two year old who will be three on Saturday! "Actions speak louder than words" to me, yes I agree but words are also a powerful thing. Words of affirmation makes communication healthier as well as the relationship. It shows me that my loved one is by my side, is willing to help support me, and wants me to go after my dreams.

Ranking words of affirmation between 1 and 10 in my relationship, I would rank it about a five. He does give me the words of affirmation but it is not often as I would like. An issue I have is how he seems to only notice me dressed up when I am not going out with him, but when we do it seems like I am never good enough for him because he complains why I do not “look as good” when we go out together. He encourages me on my school work when it comes close to graduation or end of a term but that is about it. I wish I had more support throughout the school year from him like I do with the rest of my family. He does not really encourage me much on my dreams. Rather, he just lets me go for it without giving an opinion. If he wants to be a couple, I need to know his opinions and compromise with these we do not agree with.

Physical Touch: I think if the questions to physical touch was worded differently for the men, his results would have been a bit different. Physical touch between friends and family vs. a loved one have different meanings. I was amazed by how close Jordan’s and my results are. I was amazed that my score was higher than his. I ranked five, he ranked three. It makes me wonder if he answered them to what I want to see or he actually answered these for himself. LOL! I know I could not make it through a relationship if there was no physical touch. When I am in public with my loved one, I want to feel special and feel like I am his one and only. By doing so, I enjoy holding hands, having each other’s hands around our waists, hugging, and kissing. It shows that the couple are not afraid to show that they are a true couple, they both want this couple relationship they have. My favorite type of physical touch is cuddling. Nothing is better than having both my baby boy and my significant other cuddled up into my arms. A strong feeling of love is in the air! 

For the most part I think the physical touch is above average. Though because of the lack of quality time, we do not to meet the standards where I would feel secure and love from physical touch which would be the hand holding, hands around our waists, and the closeness in general. It lacks majorly throughout the day until night time comes.

Acts of Service: It may help the stress when my partner helps me with things and I am thankful for it but I never expect it. I am use to doing everything on my own and would prefer the independence. I do not like to rely on anyone for anything. I have always been able to juggle many things on my own at one time. The biggest work load I have put on myself was going to high school, college, working full time, and pregnant and through being a new mother. I appreciate when I get help on chores because it gets things done faster. I will always appreciate a person for helping me.

 It would be nice to have more help around with the household maintenance, and the care for Drake as it would release the stress and I would not feel so overwhelmed. Though, I accept where the acts of service sits in our relationship because I am independent and would rather do everything on my own. I know everything will get done when needed, done right (if not, I am the only one to blame), and helps me stay organized.

Receiving Gifts: You can never be too excited to receive a special gift from a special person. I think the topic of receiving gifts is quite low. Though, it may feel heart-warming, I think about how there are children who have very little or nothing at all. We should be thankful for what we already have. I love receiving gifts but it is not something I would expect to get nor is it something I would need to feel loved. There is nothing in my relationship that would need improving with the language of receiving gifts. The only thing I would like improved that could connect with receiving gifts is the quality time. If it means gifting me to a concert, it is more based on the improvement of quality time.

Blog Audit: Expansion 1

Lee created six dimensions of approaching love: Eros, Mania, Ludus, Pragma, Storge, and Agape. My results from Lee’s Love Style Inventory was… Eros: 7, Mania: 8, Ludus: 2, Pragma: 8, Storge: 2, and Agape: 5. Jordan’s results were Eros: 5, Mania: 3, Ludus: 3, Pragma: 5, Storge: 6, and Agape: 7. I found the results shocking because it is the first inventory we both took where we are opposites. It makes me wonder where our issues are. We are so much alike, yet so different. We ranked close with Eros: love at first sight. We ranked close with Ludus as well by one point.  I ranked highest in pragma with and eight, as he scored a five. So pretty close. Lastly, we both ranked closely with agape.

Eros: Love at first sight. I can see Eros being accurate because I believe that is basically what we are. Eros connects us to one another as a couple. It may not have been right away that we knew were actually in love but the ability to grow that love was there. The knowing we could be in love was there. For myself, I had to put a test to it before we started dating. I just got out a crappy relationship not to long before we started dating. That relationship was on and off and it had torn me a part. I did not want a “serious relationship” after that. It was the first time I ever had a gut feeling that if I were to get in a relationship with this man it would be serious.

He showed up in my life after a discussion on Facebook and we continued to hang out after that.

After years of going to school together and we were hardly anything to each other. For four months I did not want to go out with him because I did not want a serious relationship. I finally settled down with myself and thought to give it a try because I really “liked” him. As I mentioned before I had rejected him because I did not want to be in a serious relationship. He begged and begged me to go out with him during these four months. I just could not. I did not want to hurt again. I was not prepared to handle more hurt after my last break up. If I was in a relationship, “I was only in it for the game”. I cannot get hurt if I am not really committed to a future with someone. He was jealous that I was dating someone else. It was a relationship I knew was not going to last because I knew he would eventually cheat on me. After knowing he waited for me for four months there was something there. I believed I was not going to be torn apart again. Talk about a serious relationship because about two months later I was pregnant with our son Drake. I think my heart and gut finally agreed on love the first day I was asked out by my loved one. I told him I wanted to wait. As of November, we have been together for four years. We have our issues but no break ups like the last one I felt I was committed too. But, who knows I was just a teenager.

From Jordan’s results from Eros and comparing them with mine, we both believe that “Love at first sight” is possible. The first time we kissed or even hugged we felt that genital response.

We first kissed while I was in the “I was only in it for the game” stage of relationships. For the longest time, I knew he wanted to kiss me but I did not for the longest time. I eventually could not resist anymore. We both wanted it more than anything! I never understood what physical appearance I have that has always attracted me to him but I guess I do. For me, it was always his country looks and country style that always turned me on. He has always told me that when he first touched me he knew that love was real between us, that we were meant to be together. This is the one thing that was a struggle for me because I was dealing with hurt of a nasty break up but I feel like today that it was there it just was not clear to me.

Our opposites are Mania and Storge. I scored high on mania as he scored very low/ not even half of my score. It was the other way around with storge. He ranked higher on the storge as I did not even score half of what he ranked at.

  Though, I have shifted from this love style, when I read about the mania love style it aches me to know that I was like this at one time. Mania is an: Obsessive, related to jealousy, low-self-esteem, and violence. I can admit I do easily get jealous, I do have a low self-esteem, and I have been in some violent relationships. As a teenager I was obsessive with a relationship. I think a lot of it had to do with the way I grew up. There are just a few things from this category, I have seen out of him but it is rare, those actions would show.  

Storge: The Best friend lover, solid & stable commitment, slow burning, peaceful, and affectionate. “Familial love”, and value stability, enjoyment of the others company. I always wanted the storge approach to love but it was never me. I have never been able to hold that best friend relationship. I moved all over the place and prefer to be to myself. The side that brings my storge approach is the commitment. It is highly important, as well as being affectionate.  I can see that the storge is a strong approach for Jordan because I am his one and only girlfriend and we have a child together. For four months we were hanging out like the best friends but I was afraid of the commitment as that time before we started dating. I think he is strongly committed to me but he has his own self issues such as gambling, smoking, and drinking.

I feel that this inventory helped me understand the type of person I am in a relationship and what I need to work on. It describes behaviors that I want to have, what I do have, and what I would like to try to avoid. I feel by understanding your love type will help with guiding towards a healthy relationship. I want to take what I have learned and start making changes for that healthy relationship I would like to have for the rest of my life.

Blog Audit: Reflection

As I have written my blogs I feel like it has made me see what is a relationship more rather than just being in relationship. It's the "doing" rather than just "being". I feel willing to continue on being in my relationship and trying to work it out now that I have a better understanding. The blogs made me feel better because it gave me the chance to express my relationship. Since it has been rough, I feel like it was good for me. I was also able to get advice from others which is a great feeling as well. It's about knowing people are there for you. I had a lot more understanding about my relationship. 

Throughout the course of Healthy Couples Relationships, I have written blogs that are mostly based on my relationship which I have been in for four years now. Our relationship has been a lot of work, still needs work and has been very complicated lately. It needs a lot of improvement if we want to help to help stay together and to be a healthy family. One thing I had noticed as I read through the blogs was that it was more about him rather than the "us". It takes two to make a relationship work out. Therefore I need to be a part of these issues. The question towards some my blogs are what can I do to be supportive to help my boyfriend change his bath habits, where are my flaws, what do I need to change or improve one in our relationship? I did have a few blogs that were not based on my relationship but what I thought a relationship should be or look like. These journals were political and economic coupling which I could not image having a relationship like that, and lee's love style which was based on my results from the inventory and my life from past relationships and now.


From my learning the biggest changes I was able to make is to start using "I" statements and letting my boyfriend know the how important quality time is to me. It got him to ask me to do something as a family. I feel better when I use "I" statements. With writing my my blogs, I really value how much it helped me see where my relationship is. It helped me see the issues, the values, and the languages in my relationship. In learning about different types of conflicts, the dissolution, and infidelity, it helped me understand other factors in my relationship such as what conflict do we have and what would I like to have. The dissolution helped me with knowing where my relationship is and that there can still be hope in making it better. 

So now that I have learned about what makes a healthy relationship, there are quite a few topics that would be great to revisit to help my relationship. First off, we need to get on the right page about infidelity. Where are our limits? Though, I believe cheating has not played will will an effect on our relationship, we accuse each other a lot about it when we are angry and it needs to stop.  We need to discuss our love languages for each other because I can see we are complete opposites here but we need to balance it. After learning about this, I have been mentioning quality time up more lately. It has made me realize  and think more clearly about another issue I have with him. It's about not having quality time together. This is rare and it is hurting me.
 Intimacy poisons is the next strong topic to revisit. We need to actually sit down and discuss his habits and how it affects me and our son. For me, it's his nasty habits or smoking, gambling, and drinking. This goes back to the question, "What can I do to support him and Encouragement him to quit synthesis nasty habits?"

There are some topics that could be revisited later on but does not necessarily need to be right away. A topic I know I would revisit is marriage. Though, we should talk about what we think about the idea of a marriage. What does it mean to the both of us?  I would also like to revisit Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love. It was interesting to see for myself where my relationship sits. But, I think it could help if he was able to view this for himself too. I think this could give a better understanding for both of us and on our relationship. I think if we revisited Miller's list together as a couple, it would help us understand where our relationship is unhealthy, where it is unhealthy, and where we improve.

Overall, I believe if we discussed some of these topics it could help us gain a healthy relationship again. These blogs have really helped me reflect on my relationship as a whole and where my struggles are with my boyfriend. It opened me up to see what is in a relationship. Though, I based many of them on him and only him, I think it would be interesting to see what he could say about me, to see where he would rank as well in the inventories I took, and just to get his opinion on how he sees our relationship if he can agree with these theories and categories (marriage, intimacy, and infidelity). I would like to hear his opinion on if he thinks these theories with the inventories express our relationship and if the categories help with other factors that need to be worked out in our relationship.

five love languages

Chapman's five love languages are Words of affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. After taking the test my score was words of affirmation: 8, quality time: 10, receiving gifts: 2, acts of service: 3, and physical touch: 5. I can agree with my scores well. 
 When reading the five love languages I could point out my strengths. 

Quality time: is the most important to me because what is a relationship without quality time? There is no meaning. For myself, it feels like there is no relationship if your not spending time with one another. You do not have the ability to get to know each other. It takes years to get to know someone completely if at all. If there was not quality time, which there has not been much in my relationship, I kind of feel like I am sleeping next to a stranger. Children especially, if there is one thing children need it is that quality time It makes children feel loved, secure, and it is a way to show that the world is a safe place. I feel that life is so short, everyone needs that quality time together, no matter what it is. To me quality time is what builds the healthy relationships in the family. 

 Receiving Gifts: I ranked the lowest in receiving gifts. You can never be too excited to receive a special gift from a special person. I think the topic of receiving gifts is quite low. Though, it may feel heart-warming, I think about how there are children who have very little or nothing at all. We should be thankful for what we already have. I love receiving gifts but it is not something I would expect to get nor is it something I would need to feel loved.

Acts of Service: It may help the stress when my partner helps out and I am thankful for it but I am use to doing everything on my own. It was the second lowest category I ranked in but I have always done great with juggling many things at one time. My focus is just to get things done. I appreciate when I get help on chores because it gets things done faster and I will always appreciate a person for helping me.

Physical touch: I could not make it through a relationship if there was no physical touch. When I am in public with my loved one, I want to feel special and feel like I am his one and only. By doing so, I enjoy holding hands, having each others hands around our waists, hugging, and kissing. It shows that the couple are not afraid to show that they are a true couple, they both want this couple relationship they have. My favorite type of physical touch is cuddling. Nothing is better than having both my baby boy and my significant other cuddled up into my arms. A strong feeling of love is in the air! 

Words of Affirmation: As this was my second highest, as it should be in my opinion, every partner, every relationship needs to feel supported for a healthy relationship. Compliments keeps the positive energy in the family. I feel everyone needs encouragement. I know I do. For all the times I felt like giving up because I was so stressed out, I never did because I had a family to encourage me in my work. Every day, every night, just about I go to work and go to school along with taking care of my two year old who will be three on the 29th. Therefore, I also have a birthday to plan which is just more things that needs to be done. "actions speak louder than words" to me, yes I agree but words are also a powerful thing. The way I am spoken to much of the time sucks. We constantly fight and argue and its unhealthy. As some point I use to always get an I love You every day and night. I use to get encouragement about my school work and that stopped from my loved one. Though, I still have family support, it hurts a bit inside because it feels like I am being pushed away. Our communication sucks! Words of affirmation has everything to do with communication and I think the more encouraged people are on words of affirmation the more positivity the communication is between a  couple and provides a much healthier relationship. Words of affirmation shows me that my loved one is by my side, is willing to help support me, and wants me to go after my dreams.

I think the reason my relationship is as rocky as it is, is because we both are complete opposites with our love language. I honestly believe if he were to take the test, he would rank the highest in the two I ranked the lowest in. That is difficult because it can get frustrating with our communication. We both easily get upset because neither one of our top two love language are being met to what we believe are our highest qualities in love language.

Intimacy Poisons

Addictions have been a strong poison in my intimacy life. My loved one is experiencing quite the addictions of smoking and gambling. I am afraid drinking is following that. There are five core issues for couples/families which include chronicity, intoxication, wet & dry periods, intoxication becomes normal, and intoxication takes over the relationship. His addictions have become similar to these core issues.
As smoking and gambling became addictions they almost seem as it is part of his daily routine. Now that we have moved into different homes, it is harder to tell. But, when we were living together, it seemed like it was every night he was at the casino gambling and be smoking on the way home because I could smell it on him. This is core issue number 1: chronicity. He was afraid to come home at times because he knew how I would react.
Core issue #2: intoxication kicked in. He constantly said he was done smoking and gambling. Things were going to change. He would start coming home. He knows how I feel about smoking but his excuse was about how hard it was to quit. Even when he had just started. When smoking and gambling turned into addictions, it seemed like there was more fighting and arguing, blaming and shaming on one another because one is "perfect" and one is "the worst person ever!"
Core Issue #3: Wet and dry periods, it has made our relationship unpredictable. I have officially got to the point where I just do not say anything about it anymore because it always sets him off. He gets angry with me and many ways I cannot stand tolerating with anymore.
Core issue #4: the intoxication becomes normal. As it has been an ongoing habit and for two years of lying about his addictions, I gave up on trying to work on my relationship. I gave up because I am tired of the lies and him not being around for his family, nor does he care about our health very much. I just expect these addictions from him now because whatever I do or say, will not change anything. Lastly,  Core #5: intoxication takes over the relationship. I say it pretty much has. I cannot stand being around him anymore with these nasty habits and thoughts of addiction to gambling and smoking. We never go out on dates anymore, nor do we even spend time next to each other. Though, I still fight here and there for my relationship to work it always hurts me to know I am with someone who makes my healthy much worse.
The intoxication dance has been a strong part of our relationship. He is irresponsible and under-functioning when it comes to taking care of his family. I am done speaking about how I feel and I am tired of waiting around for things to change. One thing I am not sure about is how shameful he is about not being a big part of his sons life. How can you not be shameful for such negative actions around your children? How do you not want to be responsible for your own wonderful child? Addictions are very effective in relationships. Addictions can be full of pain and heartache for both partners.

Dissolution

There are five stages of dissolution: Personal, Dyadic, Social, Grave-dressing, and Resurrection.

Through my rough relationship right now, much of my "break" in my relationship is because of me. In first stage of dissolution is the personal stage. That is, I have grown dissatisfied and I am no longer happy like I should be any more in my relationship. For the last year or two, I have been dissatisfied and unhappy, unless it is bed time because of the warmth feeling and the feeling of being wanted. This is most likely the longest stage I have been in.

Next, I have been in the dyadic stage for quite some time now. I have been saying a lot that "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore". For my reasons, I do not want to be in a relationship where smoking, and gambling are involved or any other nasty habits. After my childhood, I am trying my best to have the best and cleanest life for myself and my son.  It is hard to walk away from someone you love.

The social stage is not as common as the last two stages but has its role. I can talk to my partner's parents, I talk to my best friend, co-workers, and other family members about whether or not to continue my relationship. I discuss the options on what I have to do to get my partner to start doing his share in the relationship or even if it is just with his own child. We talk about the positives and negatives in the relationship and they are always near, to support me.

Since my relationship is obviously not over as I have chosen to keep working at trying to get it better, my relationship has not been through the grave-dressing faze where mourning starts to decrease and become acceptable to the loss of the relationship. I hope I will not have to go through this phase.

If my relationship was to ever end, we will always be stuck in resurrection. We have a son together to raise and who needs both mommy and daddy. We may even be in this stage right now because everything has been considered "yours" and "mine" rather than "us" or "we".

Infidelity

 Infidelity: the betrayal of relationship expectations; being unfaithful to your spouse.

What "counts" as infidelity? As I learned about infidelity, there are many things people believe is infidelity or not. For example, some people think that talking or hanging out with the opposite gender while you are faithful to someone else. Someone may think it is infidelity. Open relationships are also a strong topic about whether infidelity occurs or not.

Key issues I learned about infidelity are: how often does it happen, When in a relationship does it happen, what causes it to happen, how does it affect a relationship, are relationships salvageable..... (look at power point)? Factors associated with infidelity are quality of the relationship (most common factor), boredom & lack of emotional support, love style, and attachment style.

I feel that infidelity is a basically meant for couples who want to commit to a serious relationship, this could occur right away in the beginning or decide to want to continue a relationship and make it serious throughout time. Throughout my years of relationships before I became committed to the one I am in now, I feel as two of many other relationships I had could have had that infidelity. As a teenager I was lucky to have one of those long time relationships. As I think back to that relationship I  think we did have that infidelity because we always talked about our future. When I look back at it now, it would have never worked out because we were always on and off, there was also a lot of cheating in the relationship. But, because this was to me a long relationship at the time, I fought for and years later tried to call and apologize. Therefore, I could see this relationship as one that had a lot of infidelity.

As my relationship was on and off and I was a teenager, many of my relationships were for the purpose of having a boyfriend, just wanting the wanted feeling, or even just trying to make an ex jealous. For myself I do not see that infidelity could have existed. Though, I do not know how the guys think. I can only speak for myself.

Later, I was asked out by a wonderful guy who was much different from everyone else I was dating. He was everything I wanted in a guy; country style, hard working, and someone who had always wanted to take me out! For once, it was someone taking me out rather than me taking them out.
When he asked me out the first time, I said no because I was not ready for a serious relationship. After four months, I finally told him I was ready to give "us" a try. For once, my heart and mind were thinking alike and I just had that gut feeling this relationship would be serious. And it was! On top of that, he fought for me for four months. Now, how would that not be a relationship that would be faithful instantly? Definitely are relationship that was started could never end without infidelity. We were both committed to a long lasting relationship.

Well, my relationship of four years now, has hit an infidelity point. To start off, our relationship has very poor communication. Thinking about infidelity makes me think about whether there is still a chance or not for my relationship.  Can our relationship heal from infidelity. What caused infidelity to be a factor in my relationship? I honestly believe it is because my relationship is still young. We have a two-three year old son as of Oct. 29th and it forces me to be a "grown-up" parent and I have to think of someone before myself. On the other side, he still runs around and continues with his nasty habits ever since I became pregnant. He runs around like a freely "young adult", as what any other 18 through the early 20's men do; parties, gambling, smoking, and doing his own thing. He is selfish. He does not think much of his family or at least it feels that way.
When his daily activities turned into nasty habits, our relationship became unfaithful. It does not feel like he supports me like he should, he does not spend time with me or his son, he constantly lies, does not help at all financially. To me, I feel like the number one priority in someones life is family! A Relationship also needs trust and respect. He does not care how I feel about smoking, therefore it does not seem like he cares about mine or our sons health. Another major characteristic in a relationship is health; When in a committed relationship and through marriage, I believe it is labeled as "US". In my opinion these are things that are labeled as infidelity into my relationship. It does not show from my loved one that he is faithful to me. He just pushes family away. You cannot be faithful to someone if you are disrespectful and is constantly lying.

Relationship conflicts Gottman

Four common categories of events that instigate conflict are criticism, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, and cumulative annoyances (Gottman). In my relationship, I can relate to two of these: rebuffs and cumulative annoyances. These have hurt my relationship and is making it fall apart. For the last three years with our child I have asked for very little help to pay for his needs and he rebuffs: defined as rejecting one's appeals for help or support are rejected. It happens very often and it just makes it more difficult for me. Were suppose to be a family and I cannot seem to get his support for anything.

 The other conflict we have is cumulative annoyances: defined as relative trivial events that become irritating with repetition. This is difficult in my relationship because he is constantly running out the door as soon as he gets home from work, he is gone all weekend long, or he is glued to the television. We do not go out hardly ever. Spending time as a family and going out with family often is a high standard for me. For two years now he has had gambling, smoking, and drinking habits. This is very irritating because I do not want to be with someone with these nasty habits. It is difficult to walk away because I have a child with him. I do not want my boy to have separate parents, and I know I still love him. I want to be with him. I want to be with the guy I met in the beginning. It is very irritating. On my behalf I am sure he is irritated with me because I am constantly nagging about his habits. I cannot image my life without my family.

From this, what type of couple is my relationship conflict? After learning about Gottman's conflicts: Volatiles, Validators, Avoiders, and Hostiles, I feel I have more of a hostile relationship. I do feel there is more nastiness in our relationship than there is niceness. We tend to name call and I have been working on that. We argue all the time, every week, or just about every day it seems like. I guess I could say neither of us listen to each other because were always trying to defend ourselves. Its a struggle because majority of the time I do have back up from our arguments. I hate how our relationship is so negative, I tend to be the one to put back "get detached and not involved". I feel like I have so much stress on myself as it is, I try to avoid the situations that will reduce stress. All of our arguments seem to just be let go and grudged on throughout the week until it is something different the next week.

When learning about the theories of love from different people, it is interesting to see where my relationship plays out. For example, Lee's and Sternberg's inventories gives me great results of my relationship. Whereas Gotmann theory of signs of divorce, my relationship shows those signs. Even though I am not married that is where we are trying to work towards and right now with these signs it looks like a marriage would not last long. I am very determined to make my relationship work or keep to myself because I do not believe it would be fair for my child to be in the middle of an unhealthy relationship nor would I want him to call someone else mom or dad (step-parents). It is just not my style.

Somethings I would like to work on is using the "I-Statements". At least I know I could feel better about myself and reacting in angry situations and fights. I need to make healthier choices. I also need to work on thinking about the present and quit bringing up the past as often as I do. In this case "I need to focus my anger only on specific issues".

Couple Relationships and well being in a marriage

Normally when I think about being married I see it as just a piece of paper making everything an "us" factor. Everything is shared. It takes two people to show and make a commitment to one another. A wedding does not necessarily have to happen to make a commitment. I never thought about how it can promote good mental, financial, or physical health for someone. (marriage power-point).

 I do believe that there are things such as finance security, easier access to health insurance, and having the support from one another in a marriage can help promote good health for someone. Though, some of these can be done without having to be married. I know some insurance allows others to be covered as long as your living under the same roof. Financial means may also rank higher for married people but in my case it would hurt me. They may be less likely to live in poverty but for many we should all have family support. That is one great thing for me, is that I have my family that support me and help me when I need it. 

In the physical health of a marriage, married couples tend to live longer. I can see this as accurate because it is likely that the person will always be by your side. In other cases people are married because they cannot afford a divorce.
With the relationship I am in now, I know right now even if I were married, my physical, mental, and financial health would be a bigger mess than it is now just being in the relationship. Though, from taking the love inventories and showing we are compatible, the relationship just needs work and responsibility needs to have a step up before I ever agree to getting married. 

I believe my mental health would reduce depressive symptoms in a marriage because it is easier to keep a commitment, harder to cheat with a band around your finger, sharing a home with someone. That being said, it can be easier to trust someone who is suppose to come home to you every night. Therefore, I feel like I would not feel as depressed. I feel like I would not get the achy feeling in my stomach as well, knowing that my loved one is coming home to me. 

When I learned about marriage at age, it was interesting to me because I made a goal for myself, I wanted to marry at the age of 23. Luckily, that is ranked to have the highest life satisfaction. Teen marriage has the highest distress in a marriage. I would describe my relationship as a cohabitor because I do not care to get married so young. I believe age in a marriage does matter, it plays a big effect of each persons lives, and age can very much depend on their lifestyles. there is much more differences because of the time frame and how each was raised. Most relationships I know that has had a big age difference has not worked out.

My overall thought about marriage being a healthier lifestyle is debatable. I do not disagree nor do I agree because it all depends on a person and the couple. Who wants to be committed who wants the status of "US" and everything being shared, maybe people have a stronger family relationships where they are better off staying with rather than someone who has nasty addictions for example no matter how in love two people are. After learning about marriage and its health benefits, I see marriage as just another step of a relationship with a greater bond. Though, because two people love each other and want a commitment, marriage does not have to been the answer.

Political and Economic Coupling

I have learned about the history of couples relationships and I am not very fond of it. Political and Economical Coupling is dated from the ancient world to 1650 A.D. After Economical and Political dating follows the Transitioning to love-based relationships dated from 1650 A.D. -1900 A.D. From 1900 A.D. to today, the couple stage today is Love-Based Relationships.

When learning about the Political and Economic coupling, I could not image living during that time. The way people married for political and economical gains makes people sound selfish and stuck up. I think to myself how this could be called a relationship to begin with. I honestly do not understand how people in this time can marry for marital treaties, how people worked "in" their marriage and not "at" their marriage. I would not describe these days as "dating" relationships or couples who belong together. 

 

Having parents and the community chose my loved one would be interesting. To some extent even today I feel like they do chose who you should be with. For being female, I would like to have my dad's blessing towards a marriage. I want my family to approve of the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. Though, if I were living life today like it was back then, I do not think I would prefer my parents to make that decision for me. They cannot even hold their own relationship. As I am independent and I want to be able to make my own choices for myself I would not want my family to chose who I am to marry. With that being said, I would have a difficult time having a man "rule over me" as well. In order to have a healthy relationship I believe two people need to work together, have respect for one another, and much more. Just about everything should be done together.  

  

Having a relationship should be much more than just a set up. A relationship should be meaningful, where both people are in it together. a relationship needs trust and honesty. I would hate to marry someone I know very little about. 

Lee's Love Style

Lee created six dimensions of approaching love: Eros, Ludus, Storge, Mania, Pragma, Agape. My results from Lee's Love Style Inventory was...  Eros: 7 Mania: 8 Ludus: 2 Pragma: 8 Storge: 2 and Agape: 5. I can really see myself as the three I ranked the highest at also listed below.

Eros: love at first sight.
Mania: obsessive and possessive lover. jealousy, low self-esteem, need of attention.
Pragma: practical, rational love, "love with a shopping list".

First off, I can definitely say I started off in the mania love. I know I am a sensitive person and I have had a rough childhood. Trusting someone and feeling wanted throughout my teenage years was desperation, which is one reason I got pregnant at a young age. I have always had a low self-esteem. Luckily, I can say it is better now than it was then but I also have a boy to stay positive for. I believe someone needs to take care of themselves before they can take care of someone else and that is exactly what I did. My attitude was flipped around for for my son.
Even today, I know I scream for attention from my partner because we never spend time together. I get angry because I do not get any attention. Because I am angry, it causes me to push him away. I do not like to be by anyone when I am angry which is a lot of the time. Even though I tend to push him away I still get that jealousy feeling, I feel sick to my stomach, and I just feel like I cannot do anything.

As I had many on and off relationships throughout my teenage years, I started creating a "love with a shopping list" in my mind, stated from my power point of Lee's Love Style. I want a hard working country boy, someone a bit taller than me but not super tall, someone who took their time to get to know me and always want to spend time with me, I wanted someone outgoing, and talkative but obviously not as much as me. I want a guy who has goals and dreams he wants to accomplish. I want our goals for our future home to be alike because otherwise it would not work for me. For example, My guy needs to have the want to stay living in the country and have a lot of land, who is okay with me have horses, dogs, cats, etc. I want a guy that wants to drive around in a big chevy or ram with me.  I want a guy that wants a family and wants to be a part of it all the time!

 Lastly Eros: "Love at first sight!" I have that now. And how do I know it was love at first sight? Even though it took me a while to finally say yes, I still wanted to be with him. I believe it was love at first sight. But, to be sure I had to test it. The first time my man asked me out, I told him not now because I was not ready for a serious relationship. In the mean time, as a teenager I was still around "dating" other people. I actually only had one other relationship. Interesting, because I knew it was not going to work out. I was "only in it for the game". Had a little bit of the ludus love going on. I knew the guy would end up cheating on me and with who. Of course, that was exactly what happened. It only last for about a month.
I finally decided I should give him a chance. It has been four months, this guy had been begging me to go out with him. We always hung out and we were going to school together. He was always around me. I was finally able to step our friendship up to the next level. The one relationship I did not want to be in four months ago because I was not ready for a serious relationship. Tell you what, for a serious relationship, yes it was! I was pregnant with our son a little over two months who is going to be three this month (Oct. 29th)! We have been together for four years come November. I think my gut and heart finally agreed on love the first day I was asked out by my loved one and told him I wanted to wait and did not want a serious relationship. <3

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

In Sternberg's theory of love, he identifies three component of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment. These three components then form into eight different kinds of love: liking, romantic, compassionate, consummate, infatuate, fatuous, empty, and non-love.

     By Sternberg's theory my love life lies around consummate love and Fatuous love. My passion and commitment are high on the chart as the intimacy is there but not near as strong as the other two components. As I learn more about Sternberg's theory of love, it helps me understand where my relationship is falling apart and needs some work. In order for a relationship to work these three components need to be close to balancing each other out. By taking Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love Inventory my results are consummate love, though I am closer to the fatuous love. It is interesting to see the results and what falls in each component. For example, in Sternbergs theory under intimacy, my relationship struggles on communication, understanding, being able to count on each other, and trust. I feel because I either rank high or low (no in-between) in the intimacy component, that is why my relationship is able to work. I know not every relationship is perfect and needs something to work on but as long as the relationship is able to balance somewhere in the consummate love, I believe the relationship will be able to work.

Overall, I enjoyed learning about the Sternberg's theory of love because I have a better understanding of my relationship and know it can work out. Other than my issues I have with intimacy, between passion and commitment my relationship could work on the romance and stability as those were the two lowest scores from each group.  I expected our romantic part to rank less because I have been stressing about dates and spending time together. The stability does need work and that is an obvious. A lot of that has to do with not living together as a family and that gets to be stressful too. Now I can take my results and start working on what needs improvement for a healthy relationship.

Millers list

Miller's list Reflection

I believe Miller's list for relationships are all needed for a relationship to work. Miller lists a healthy relationship consists of knowledge, interdependence, caring, mutuality, commitment, and trust. I think if any of these characteristics were missing, the relationship will not work out well. There will not be and intimacy unless one has shut down on their life. Though some characteristics that could be combined with his list to have a more powerful relationship. I think it is important for a healthy relationship to have not only trust but honesty too. Partners need to show patience, loyalty, and fun.

From experience, I know if any of these characteristics were missing, a relationship does not work out well. My relationship has the benefits of knowledge between us. We are very much alike, we know what our favorite food, restaurants, drinks, activities, movies, etc. We have been together for about four years now so we have had the time to learn about one another. We also have the same birthday!

We have a two/three year old son together. Deep down we know we care about each other and we have a son together to care for. If we did not care about each other, I highly doubt we would not have had a child together or have a four year relationship. Without caring, we would be failure parents. Though we need to work on our communication and understanding each other. We need to work on what we say about each other when we get angry.

We use to have the interdependence, so I think. But this is a part where our relationship is really rocky. My boyfriend has a problem with understanding this: "What happens to me affects you and what happens to you affect me." As a teenager and a young adult, he still has the urge to run around and do as he pleases. All of a sudden he became a smoker, gambler, and drinker throughout the last two years. The interdependence is what has been hurting me, because I cannot stand the smell of smoke: it's different when my family may do it but I am not having them come home to me each and every day where I would be smelling it. I also have health issues that do not need to be worse. As well as our son, I do not need him to develop the same problems I have because I grew up with people who smoke. His gambling: he has done nothing to help support his family. It hurts having to do everything on my own because he is to busy blowing off his money. Lately, it seems like he is drinking every time I come around him. It causes him to start arguments with me and he gets mad when I do not talk to him. He does not have the stability to have a conversation with, let along putting our son in his care when I need to go to work. It sucks because I have this strong quality. For the last 3 years I have been trying to hold our relationship together because I want to be a family. I have been looking for a home for us for the last year now. With his job I would need to consider the distance from his work. I have just recently given up. (See our relationship falling apart).

Mutuality has been a strength of mine to. I have always tried to be the one to plan those days going out as a family. He always has some excuse or has already taken off to do "his" thing. After having a child for me, I know there is no "me" anymore I have a son to put first. I have made all plans about "us" as a family. But, how is he to be a part of that if he is not around.

Trust and Commitment: In trust, it also needs honesty. He tends to have such a low self esteem and because I am his first girlfriend and I have had the experience of dating others, he tends to accuse me of cheating. I do not understand why he does not trust me because I have been committed to him for the last four years  and we have a child together. Our communication also makes this difficult to figure out why because we argue and fight. All I have ever wanted was a committed relationship. I have told him all about my past because I believe trust and honesty is the most important in a relationship. For four months before we started dating, that entire time he had asked me to go out with him. I told him I was not ready for a serious relationship. He was upset because I was dating other guys but always assured him those did not feel serious or have the commitment. At that time to me, as a teenage girl, I just wanted a boyfriend. I had friends who wanted a relationship with me and gave them reasons why it would not work. They always told me let's try. To me, nothing hurts trying something. It was an experience and I was searching for my interests in those relationships. I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend (now) and once I felt ready, I told him we could give it a try. I gave it the best timing too, because it was opening deer hunting season! He's a hunter, therefore what could be better than going out hunting (his favorite hobby) and getting the girl of his dreams (as he would always call me then). The nicknames began to fade away. He is a young dad and I understand it takes time as well. But after three years, I believe there is no reason to be wining anymore when it comes to taking care of your own child. For crying out loud, he refuses to change his diaper and I am working on potty training. As he will not help me with it. I have lost my trust with him overtime. I feel he has not be honest with me for the last two years because I have caught him in  many lies, and a lot of the same ones over and over again. After a while, it has been fading as well. Lies get old.

In overall theory, without all of the characteristics/traits, I cannot see a relationship work out. The intimacy gets pulled away because of the low feelings between each other. For example, I do not want to sleep in the same bed as him because how angry I am with him. Even though I want a relationship so badly with him because I love him, sometimes it is not worth staying for and worth the heartache. He makes me feel like I am responsible for everything, I should not have to support him like a child. I cannot stand coming home to someone who smells like smoke and deal with the health issues. Obviously, there are issues that need to be worked on in order to continue this relationship. But as of right now I have put it on hold.

Jazi Hanson